Our Last Moments
by Tara-Luvs-Akamaru
Summary: "I will always hate myself for what happened today, because I know it was my fault. I should have been there to take the weapon out of your hand. I should I have been a better friend but I was trapped in our friendship, and now I am free…" Dan has been holding on to a rough friendship with Phil, what happens when one cracks?


Our last memories

A/N: I honestly can't believe I wrote this… I've always thought about writing a phanfiction but I never did because I didn't want to be judged… but here we are… this happened after some very upsetting texts with a friend and turns out, writing gets out emotions pretty well… I may have cried writing this but yah knowww… enjoy XD

Warning: Mentions of selfharm, eating disorders and suicide… Doesn't dwell upon them too much, but if you're easily triggered, please don't read

Disclaimer: I don't own Danisnotonfire or Amazingphil, this isn't real and is pure fiction… I would never wish this upon them

"_Love is when the other person's happiness means more to you than your own"_

This could be my last moment with you. This could be the last time I get to hold you, to tell you I care about you. I wrap my arms around your thin waist; the one you think is fat. I hold you close to my body, trying to keep the warmth between us. You're shivering but so am I. I can hear you sobbing softly into the pulshie you're holding to your chest. I hold you tighter, tears welling up in my own eyes. I don't ever want to let you go. But I know this is too much for you. I'm just as scared as you are and I close my watery eyes. A few tears escape and soak into your sonic shirt. I sob silently into your shaking form, knowing you won't comfort me like I'm doing with you. But I'm not bothered about my pain, all that matters is you, and if I can make you smile.

You're so weak and vulnerable right now. A state you'll only let me see you in, and even when you do, it isn't often. You tell me your hurting, but won't explain why. I want to help you; I want you to know I care.  
"Phil…" I say into the silence. You don't say anything, but I hear a sniffle, as if to say go on. "Stop doing this to yourself… I know that it isn't making you happy…"  
My voice is tight as I fight back the tears in my eyes. I want to show you that I can be strong but I'm not. I'm trembling and you turn around in my arms. You look deep into to my eyes, were both silent, all I can hear is our breathing. I wipe your cheeks and as I do, tears slip down mine. You snuggle into my chest and I hear you start sobbing again. I close my eyes and just hold you. I'm scared.

"_Love is when forever isn't long enough"_

I woke up with your small body sprawled across the sheets. The sun was shining through the small gap into the curtains, making your pale skin glow. I feel like crying, seeing you so calm and at peace. I shake my head of every thought of the past and I get up out of your bed. I leave the room keeping the door slightly ajar. I slip into the kitchen and turn on the toaster. Inside I place four slices of toast, and make cereal for both of us. I place the juice jug into the table just as you appear in the room.

"Sleep well?" I ask, my voice still a little awkward and hard to find. You simply nod and sit on our leather dining chairs. The toaster pops and I jump, before awkwardly turning round and grabbing the butter. I place our breakfast down and sit opposite you, hoping today you'll be able to talk to me like you used to.

And you do. We chat about everything, just sat at the table laughing at whatever we want. By 9:30 I've eaten most of the food at the table. Only a slice of toast and your cereal is left at the table. The stuff I didn't eat. I look from you back down to the food.  
"Are you not eating Phil?" I say, picking up my plates and taking them to the sink. You go quiet and I look back at you. Your beautiful eyes are dull and lifeless. I've obviously spoken out of place and I instantly feel guilty.

"Phil…" I say, reaching out my hand to you. You slap away my hand and you snap.  
"Just because you're perfect! You can eat all you like and won't get fat, but look at me! I'm so fat and ugly I don't know why anyone would think I'm good looking!"  
I try to cut in. You're perfect, beautiful; you don't need all this doubt. But once you've started, you don't let me speak.  
"I'm so pathetic Dan! Why don't you just forget about me? Your life would be so much better without me. Just forget about the stupid, ugly boy who cuts and ruined your life!" you scream at me before slamming your bedroom door. I hate these silly arguments. I throw on some jeans and shoes, locking the flat door behind me; I walk out into the freezing streets.

"_Love is a game in which one always cheats"_

I sit in Starbucks watching the raindrops hit the window. The glass is foggy and I'm cold in this seat. But it's the same sofa corner we've shared for ages and I didn't want to change, just because you're not here. I come in here now, whenever we fight. It's peaceful. But it's becoming more frequent. The staff knows me by my first name, and know exactly what I'll order. It's been so long since we've both been here together, but we never have the chance.

This seems to be the only place I can get my head around stuff. A stuffy over crowded atmosphere makes me feel almost at peace with everything. But I know that you're waiting for me when I get back home. I feel a little sick as I sip my caramel latte but I just sigh and sink back into my seat. I often feel really bad, leaving you alone in the house, but recently it seems that everything I do, I have to make sure it doesn't touch you. I can't walk to the kitchen in just a towel anymore because you'll see my body and cry. I can't talk to you about my fears because I'm scared to try and get a word in edgeways.

My eyes fill with tears and I curse myself for wanting to cry over you. Why have you done this to me? I rub my eyes and leave quickly, not wanting people to see me like this. I want to go back to the apartment but I'm too scared to face you. I'm too hurt. You wouldn't understand though, you'd turn the situation back to yourself and I'll get mad and try and hurt myself. I want to be strong for you. I walk out of the shop and as I do I break. I lean against the wall and sob. But knowing I'm bringing attention where it's not needed. I walk on in the other direction, rain mixing in with my tears.

"_Love is a force more formidable than any other"_

I don't know when I started but I'm running now. I'm out of breath and I can taste blood. I stop on a street corner and question why I'm even running. You're my best friend, why should I be scared of your opinion. I smile a little to myself and turn back, walking slowly back to the apartment. It's still raining and my clothes are stuck to my body. The wind picks up and I'm soon shivering. But I keep walking despite the numbness my hands are feeling because I know that you'll be there.

The walk home is faster that I thought it would be, and I'm soon in the warmth of the apartments lobby. I push the button for the lift but I want to see you so badly that I turn and run for the stairs. I'm smiling as I start running, I can't wait to see you, to hold you. As I approach the 15th floor I'm more scared of walking through our door. I slow down to a walk as my mind races through thoughts of what could have happened. What if you've done something stupid? You still have your razor blade and I don't remember locking the door, what if you've ran away? Or worse, the balcony door wasn't closed since yesterday.

I run again, finally getting to our door. I hate feeling like this, trapped, not being able to go for a walk without being scared of what you'll do. I try and push down the handle, but the doors locked. I ring the bell but you don't answer the door.  
"Phil…?" I call out, hoping you can hear "Open the door please"  
Why aren't you opening?  
"Shit" I mumble and pull out my phone. I ring you but you don't pick up. "Shit shit shit!" I say a lot louder and bang harder on the door "Phil!" I scream hitting the door with all my force.

"_Love is the hardest habit to break"_

I run across the hall to the Darren who lives four doors down. There are tears in my eyes as I pound on his door. I'm really scared and I start shaking again. The door opens and our neighbour walks out.  
"Daniel? Are you okay?" he asks and I burst into tears.  
"Please… My flat mate… he's in trouble… help me break down the door" I say between sobs. He nods quickly, and grabs some tools before we dash down the halls. I'm shaking uncontrollably as he breaks off the door handle. After a loud bang the handle hits the floor and he kicks down the door.

We both rush into the room, leaving the door wide open. I freeze when I see you. You're propped up against the cooker, your eyes are closed and I can't see your chest rising and falling.  
"Phil…" I whisper, breath catching in my throat. I look down to see the pools of blood around you. The sleeves of your green hoody are a deep shade of red.  
"No!" I cry out, tears still flowing down my cheeks. Darren is already on the phone to the ambulance and I move closer to you.  
"Why Phil" I sob softly "Why did you have to do this!" the last part comes out as more of a shout as it becomes harder to contain my anger.

I bring your lifeless body closer to my chest. I'm not ready to let you go. You were my whole world. I place a faint kiss on your lips, trembling as I do so. It's nothing more than a friendly kiss; I wish you were able to return it. Then I feel it. The faintest heartbeat. I pull back and shake you.  
"Phil!? Can you hear me!?" I'm shaking, I'm so scared. Then I hear sirens, the ambulance is here.

"_Love is friendship set to music"_

The paramedics burst through the door and push me out of the way. They put an oxygen mask over your face and attempt to restart your heartbeat. The one I was sure I felt before. They ask me questions but it's all blurry.  
"Is he okay?" I ask as they push you onto a stretcher and go to leave the room.  
"We don't know, I'm sorry" my whole world freezes "Would you like to come in the ambulance with us?"

I don't remember nodding but when I regain consciousness of what's going on, I'm sat in the ambulance. The medics are fussing over you; you've lost too much blood. I see them cut open your hoody, reviling your skinny figure. The one you achieved by starving yourself for weeks. Then I see the real damage, cuts all the way up your arms. They're deep and still bleeding, covering up old scars left by previous times I've left you alone. This is all my fault….  
"This is all my fault!" I say it aloud this time. A medic looks at me and smiles  
"No it's not sweetie, sometimes things happen and you can't help it"  
I stand up harshly "No! It's all my fault!" I scream. I'm crying so hard and I can't control how much I'm shaking.

Suddenly the medics are silent. They stop trying to get his heartbeat back, they stop trying to stop the bleeding.  
"Daniel…"  
"No!" I scream, almost falling as the ambulance jerks to the right. "Phil!" I cry out breaking down into more sobs. I'm going dizzy and my vision is blurry. The medics try and calm me down but it's too much. As the ambulance takes a sharp turn, I lean forward and I'm violently sick. I can't believe what's happening. This is actually all my fault. I'm suddenly dizzy again and the rush of nausea knocks me out.

"_Love is being comfortable in each other's silence"_

I wake laid on a hospital bed. The nurse tells me that I'm okay and I only suffered a minor bang to the head. I sit up and get out of bed.  
"Please…" I say barely audibly "Show me where Phil is"  
The nurse tries to tell me I can't see him but I won't take that as an answer.  
"Just let me see him" a single tear rolls down my cheek.

There's silence as the nurse leads me down a corridor to the room where Phil is. She opens the door and it feels like all the oxygen in the room is been sucked out. My hands are clammy and my mouth is dry as I step into the room. You're laying peacefully on the soft white hospital sheets. There are all kinds of wires attaches to your body and try and stifle a sob.  
"You can go up to him" the nurse says softly. My body moves for me, taking me to where you're laid. I take your hand into mine and ignoring the scars that brought you here, I kiss your hand.

The rooms silent and I stay sat by your side for what seems like forever. I loved you so much and you were taken away so quickly. I knew you'd thought about this for a while, but I never thought you'd actually do this. I will always hate myself for what happened today, because I know it was my fault. I should have been there to take the weapon out of your hand. I should I have been a better friend but I was trapped in our friendship, and now I am free…

"_Love is…"_

The next few weeks go by in a blur. There's the suicide investigation, the funeral, your parents screaming at me, and me, slowly drifting away. I know that soon I will be where you are, I'll be with you again. I've forgotten how to eat, how to make videos. The fans are probably mad, but I'm lost. After about five months I tweet "I'm sorry guys. It's over… Phil has been gone for moths and I need to join him…"

And that's it. I prove I can't live without you. I don't care about anyone else right now, only myself and the pain. My phone is going crazy with tweets telling me not to go and I make the wrong decision of reading some. I realise how much of a mistake this is and I take a step back from the edge of the building.

"…_What__ I felt for you"_


End file.
